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 Press Coverage |
Notes from a fashion week victim
Malavika Sanghvi
For the last couple of days I have been a fashion week victim. A willing one at that. Attending fashion shows, nodding knowingly when designers say 'green is the blue of India,' and pretending to know what an Emperor sleeve is.
And so for the benefit of my readers, I am now going to bequeath them my entire knowledge of fashion, which I am afraid to say is only worth two days of exposure, and can fit on the head of a pin.
What is a fashion designer? A fashion designer is a mostly male male, who wears black and has an unlimited access to hair-gel. The greater the designer the greater the gel supply. Fashion designers have all come from Doon School, gone to America to do business degrees, and take umbrage if you don't acknowledge the larger and unquestionable impact of statements such as 'green is the blue of India.'
There are a few fashion designers female. They happen to be very thin ladies, with pretty names, who seem completely in the thrall of their male counterparts and not a little disgruntled that they don't have the same access to hair-gel.
It will be not be out of line to say that like in the animal kingdom, the male of the species is infinitely more colourful in the world of designers _ even though dressed in Gucci black.
What is a fashion model? A fashion model is primarily female, and thin. Unless she is muscular and male and has a name like a character in The Sopranos like Kelly, Mark, John or Dino The primarily female fashion model has been engineered from a different set of bio-dynamic raw material than you and me.
For starters the fashion model, primarily female, has a pair of legs that attach directly to her shoulders. This means of course, that the fashion model female has no stomach. Which means that all the black coffee that she consumes goes directly to her toes. Which is why fashion models walk in that perky way: you would too if your toes had a caffeine attack.
The other distinctive feature of a fashion model female is that no matter how tired she is, no matter how many shows she has just completed, no matter whether there's hell or high-water, nothing, but nothing, will stop her from attending a genuine all-night, dancing-till-wee-hours bash at Indigo/Athena/Olive with her gal pals. Yes, just like Jennifer and Madonna, Elizabeth and Pamela and Christie and Naomi, a fashion model female knows that the best fashion accessory to be photographed with at a party is another fashion model female.
What is a fashion show? A fashion show is an occasion when fashion models wear clothes that only look good on themselves, given their distinctive bio dynamic, for an audience that is pretending to look at the clothes, but is thinking one of two thoughts:
Men: ohmigod if Sheetal looks any hotter it's not legal.
Women: ohmigod I haven't told the cook what to make for dinner!
Interspersed between the men and the women thinking different thoughts in the audience, are a handful of fashion writers.
What is a fashion writer? A fashion writer is someone like the writer of this column who can't tell an Armani from an Abu Jani, gets their Rohits mixed up and still thinks that bustier and Gaultiers are undergarments you wear for the upper and lower parts of your body.
What is a fashion week? A fashion week is a serious affair, where serious business is conducted, huge franchises discussed, major deals struck, future trends charted, and where nonsensical uninformed columns such as this one heartily deplored.